Just Tenured

A New Page

2007-05-27T13:52:00.001-04:00

That's what's great about academia: opportunities for new beginnings abound. With each semester comes a new crop of students and a chance to begin again, to redesign courses, revise approaches, and experiment. The same can be true of blogs - if you are able to separate yourself from your past and shed your persona.

While I have no plans of shedding my persona -- I am relinquishing the past and starting fresh with a new blog that reflects my life today. JustTenured no longer works. I am no longer recently tenured and no longer in a phase characterized by turmoil, transition, and illness. Though I have bipolar disorder, it no longer defines me. I've needed to let go of that history -- the tumultuous transition reflected in my old blog. I began it married. In the pages I worked through a whole lot of craziness - in my head and around me - chronicled a dangerous time in my life - and moved towards wellness, very slowly. Now I'm some place different. And writing here became difficult, constraining. So it's time to create a new place.

Move?

2007-05-23T10:47:00.000-04:00

You all know I've been debating whether to continue blogging given all sorts of personal stuff. And this debate has occurred all year... I think leaving may be a good idea, but am torn as there's a lot/too much history in this place.

Next month this blog is 3 years old. But the first 2 years have been removed, so I feel like there's a loss of continuity. Granted, the first two years of this blog reflected a train wreck in my life (and thus attracted readers and especially critics), so removing those posts were probably a good idea.

I'm no longer just tenured -- I've had tenure for a while. I'm still dealing with many of the initial issues that I confronted when I began writing, such as creating/maintaining a life, but I guess I'm in a different place now, more relaxed than when I began but still a way to go.
I think the history of this blog holds me back in terms of writing -- a new start is good

So.... I have a few potential bloggy spaces picked, but aren't sure where to go. Titles/urls:

Power-Prof: maintains my identity as PP

TenuredProf: reflects that I am, indeed, a tenured prof

TenuredLife: refers to the tenured life, but more so a prof's life posttenure.

Stay or go? Thoughts? [this post will explode soon....]

Ordering Life and Blogs

2007-05-23T10:28:00.000-04:00

Still ordering my life, the usual beginning-of-the-summer stuff. So far this morning:

Fooled around with my budget; more so tweaked pretty spreadsheet thingies
Did freelance writing stuff
Was hit with crushing sinus headache, which I'm still recovering from
Corrected my writing schedule. I knew something was off yesterday when I said my plan was to work through chapter 11 this summer; I meant 13.... which means that if everyone leaves me alone I'll have a full draft by the end of the year.... and it's not unrealistic (she says now....)
Pulled out the current chapter, ch9 stuff, and have charted out the morning and early afternoon's work
Stopped for a cheese, blog, and coffee break (gross?), hoping that caffeine will do something for my head
Decided that a blog move may make a lot of sense... more on that later

Blissfully Bummed

2007-05-22T13:48:00.000-04:00

Blissful because I'm tasting the last sugary-chocolate bits of a Cadbury egg

Bummed because it's my last egg. The Easter Bunny and Powermom (and BB too) stiffed me this year. Good thing I picked up a couple of boxes on my own. Damn rabbit.

So now I'll have to find some other yummy chocolate thing to entertain me until my precious eggs return....

And, contrary to appearances, I am having a pretty good work day. Everyone needs a little chocolate break once in a while, right?

Summer Morning

2007-05-22T10:22:00.000-04:00

Why does that make me think of Grease?

Yesterday I heralded the arrival of summer. Today I begin summer by embarking on a set of good habits. Sort of. Intended to go the gym first thing this morning, but needed a little something, so made a protein shake thingie. Then hit the gym. Good so far...

Haven't been going as regularly as I should -- exercise is really important for regulating my mood and bp stuff, though I've been doing pretty good without it. This morning's trip hurt. After walking there I started with weights as I figured I'd have no energy later. Good thing. I made it through that series but boy have I lost strength. Didn't manage my usual cardio - just did 25 minutes on the treadmill. I'd like to tell you that I ran, but I didn't. Oh well. I'm a pretty tiny person so I'm not going to lose weight, but it would be nice to be healthy.

Now I'm wiped. Course, other stuff likely contributes to my lag (nudge, nudge; wink, wink).

So. The plan was to get back from the gym, eat, and write by 10am. So it's 10:30... and I'm blogging. And spent a few minutes fishing around for potential blog names should I leave here, not that I'm leaving, but I like options... sort of like when I was dating. I've just poured my first cup of coffee of the morning (lack of coffee ---> lag + grogginess), so writing will commence shortly.

But I need a plan. Not for the day, I have that, but for the summer. What do I want to accomplish and what do I need to accomplish? How will I spend this time?

organize my life [apartment, storage, and house purge; dealing with overdue tasks]
teach 2 online summer courses in June [yuk, but I need the cash]
organize and getting ahead on freelance writing [this is kind of fun and certainly reaps cash benefits]
write that book already [while I can't write it all, I am to write the next 3 chapters, bringing me through ch11]
me stuff [get back into my near daily gym routine, read some fun stuff, take weekends and evenings off]

All that I need is a schedule to guide my days. I can do that. Should be a nice summer.

PoP!

2007-05-21T16:50:00.001-04:00

Goes the semester.

Just submitted my grades an hour or so ago. 2006-2007 academic year is over. This is the first year/semester that I haven' t found myself aching for it to end. We all do that - sometime after midterms we begin counting the days. I'm notorious for it. And I did it this semester, but it wasn't all that meaningful. The semester slipped away. And that's good.

But now I'm faced with summer. Three months of unstructured time splayed out in front of me. What will I do with all my "time off?" Well, there's plenty to do -- that damn textbook, for instance. But how will I structure my time so that I have productive periods and periods for other things -- and periods for nothing? I want to get back to being planful about using these unstructured periods.

Last summer went fairly well - though I lost a lot of time to some drama in my life, buying and moving into an apartment, and moving in with BB. Getting a new place ready for habitation -- dealing with the painter and movers, unpacking, reorganizing, trying to figure out what fits in our cute, tiny, sunny apartment and what goes into storage in the basement or out to the house by the water took a lot of time. I know, poor me, but this stuff ate into my writing. Likewise, figuring out how to merge lifestyles and be with someone while you're not on a date -- cohabitating -- especially when you're both used to living alone -- is challenging.

So, all of that stuff sucked my time last summer. And my energy. This summer is different. Really really good-different than any summer I think I've experienced: Not only are things stable in my life -- home, partner, and so on -- but I'm well. I know how to be well and have done a pretty damn good job of keeping myself well for a while now. I want to blog more on that later...

I'm excited. It's just occurred to me that I'm in a great position -- to write, to think, and to live well. I'm able to use this stretch of time well. To do what is needed, but also to do what I need. Overall, I've just been feeling good -- well. Over the next day or so I'll mull over some goals for the summer - I think I know them -- but somehow committing them to pixels may make them more real to me.

Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Summer.....

2007-05-16T14:32:00.000-04:00

Now it's starting to really feel like the end of the semester. Spent the morning preparing for my big ass meeting, but also started to organize and put the semesterly stuff away. Only worked on one section of my huge desk -- less than 1/3, but cleared it out: threw stuff out, designated stuff to file, and compiled stuff for the next time I teach X class or for next semester. Closure.... love it!

And what makes it truly feel like the end of the semester? I'm watching lots of bodies scribble frantically into blue books, sweat dripping (I'd like to think it's the difficulty of the exam and how hard they're working their brains, but I suspect it's that the room is not air conditioned).

Yes, it's the end. That means a sprint for me over the next couple of days and I'm not even referring to grades. I don't plan on coming to campus for quite a while after tomorrow, so I have a lot of organizing and digging to do in my office -- not to mention figuring out what I'll need to bring home for the summer. Ahhhhh.

Now I just want to get through this meeting - chairing my last fancy-pants meeting of the academic year..... ahhhhhhhhhhh. I'm not a huge fan of white wine - rarely have it -- but the heat of this room, breeze blowing in, and thoughts of kicking back and working on my own stuff at my own pace make me want to have a glass of sauvignon blanc and put my feet up on the desk. Summer, here I come.

Nearly Done

2007-05-15T14:43:00.000-04:00

Classes are done. Finished a week ago. And it feels good. Not a thunderous ending or even one long awaited. Instead the semester just sort of petered out. I wanted to end my classes with a cinematic finale where it all comes together and students experience a rush of insight. I think I came close in my senior seminar class. But not in my 200 level class. Oh well.

Finished my major grading last week, returned papers and so on. And have been home since Friday. With the end of the semester most professors spent a few days catching up with life -- all those things put on hold during the semester. I'm no different -- did bday shopping with Powermom that was put off for a couple of weeks, straightened up, organized my freelance stuff, and took time off. Funny thing is that I'm not ready to work yet. Somehow it seemed that a long weekend off, dealing with life, would help me get back into the work mindset. Wrong.

So tomorrow I'm back in the office to make sense out of the mess, give a final exam, and chair a very big meeting. Then Thurs it's office time - cleaning so that it's ready to be unoccupied for most of the next 3 months. And pick up more finals. So the end is in sight. But I'm not ready to work on my own stuff yet.

We spend a great deal of time complaining about all the service work, the meetings, etc that keep us from doing our work -- what's really important to us. Yet here I am with the time blossoming in front of me and I just want to curl up and take a nap. I guess there will be time for both -- writing and napping -- if I plan it right.

2007-04-30T09:36:00.000-04:00

Thanks guys for the bday-related support. Generally I'm not really into birthdays -- the last few years they've been low key or I've spent them alone. That was ok. This year was a big bday for me. Though it didn't always mean something, over the last few months I've been surprised to find that turning 35 became meaningful, scary.

By wanting it to be special, I don't think it was in the sense of "the best day of my life" -- and I know that's exaggerating (and, Sherman, I agree completely that it's sad when brides see the wedding as the best day of their lives, unwittingly implying that it's downhill from here), but I guess I wanted to do something special -- celebrate it over the weekend given our busy schedule and so on. It ended up being a nice weekend, a large part of it fairly ordinary, but when the weeks are overloaded, ordinary is good.

As Noodle and I have discussed, it's not so much about the birthday as it is about feeling misunderstood, not known. And as much as I'd like to blog - as I've always said blogging is my hobby of sorts, how I come to understand stuff sometimes more so than by writing in my journal - I can't blog this stuff. For the first time, I'm finding myself blogging and saving it as a draft. While restraining some of my personal rantings is probably healthy, I'm not sure if the underlying unease is so.

Life and relationships are multifaceted -- they are not defined by one activity, event, aspect. For the most part, everything is really very good at home; I'm happy, we're happy, we have fun, communicate, and tag-team quite well, but this - expressing not-all-together positive or even negative feelings, which is part of all relationships - is not something we have completely worked out. I think we will, but we're not there yet -- well, sometimes but not always. And it's not just him - it's me because we are very much alike. But, then again, does any couple really master this?

Caveat

2007-04-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

That last post sounds pretty bleak. I guess it's just momentary glumness.... This week I've spent a lot of time slipping in and out of it. Maybe it's the rain....

Is Bah Humbug Appropriate Here?

2007-04-27T11:07:00.000-04:00

So. Yesterday I turned 35.

A lot of people (men?) don't get it, that it's a big deal. At least it is to me. I've been dreading it but wanting it over for the last few weeks. And I've been sort of bummed. Of course a birthday is better than the alternative, but birthdays often make me reassess my life. Well, maybe not a full assessment, but an assessment nonetheless (and no, not a SWOT thing -- yuckies).

I guess I just don't feel that I'm where I want to be - or more appropriately, where I thought I'd be. It feels silly to say. Noodle of course would be reaffirming, but I at least cognitively feel stupid for complaining. Here I am, 35, with tenure, about to come up for promotion to full professor (and hopefully get it at 35), have written a whole bunch of books (double digits? I have to look), own an apartment in the city I love, and am in a long term relationship - live with someone I love. I should be happy. And I guess I am -- just feel pretty gloomy now

Part of it is that the birthday sucked. BB had been out of town the entire week before - he did this whirlwind thing to get back in time for us to have dinner. My day started with trying to catch an extra early train - running for it to the point where I was wheezing and ready to croak on it. Get to work and find I didn't need to do it in the first place. Assorted work and personal bs. Car problems. Mother irritations. Colleague irritations (e.g., trying to look for grey in my gleaming locks).

I guess I wanted it to feel special. For me to feel special. And it didn't, I don't. I had wanted to make it a special weekend -- last year we had talked about going away for the weekend of my bday but I chickened out as I didn't know him well enough -- this year, no similar discussion. Granted, life is busy, but... Even without going away, I had wanted a special weekend. Given that d-day fell during the week, I thought we'd do some "special" stuff together on the weekend. Not happening as we have his kid this weekend, which I can't begrudge seeing that he was away on business last weekend. I get it. I just wanted something special or to feel special. And on top of it, the special thing he's doing this weekend is with the kid and will screw up all Sunday and Sunday night .... and then his crazy schedule picks up again at an unGodly hour Monday morning and I really don't see him until the weekend. And yes, they should do special stuff together and this thing is to celebrate the kid's achievement, but I want something special; the timing just sucks. I wanted us to do something special to celebrate what I feel is a milestone in my life. I know I shouldn't but I just feel shitty.

And there are all sorts of other stupid birthday related things, but I can't go into them. But I feel shitty. To the point where I just want to be alone. Which is nutty as I've been alone most of this week.

I guess a lot of this comes down to my own expectations for my life -- I'm just not where I thought I'd be. And the things that bother me - that I want - I never really realized that I wanted. But I do, and I feel like I have limited time. And the things that I always thought I wanted, I have, but now they're not as important as they once were.

Who Me?

2007-04-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to do this, but never remembered. Finally, today while in the library I remembered to locate that Encyclopedia-in-My-Field to which I contributed several entries. Located it. Leafed through. Tried to recall what I wrote. Remembered 2. What about the third? I checked the entry list -- no, no, no-- and looked right past my entry. In fact, I looked at it and say, "Nah."

I glanced through them, skimming the headers, as I copied. Know what's scary? I don't remember writing any of it. I recall saying that it was something to be done and that I did it, but I don't remember the process and I certainly don't remember the content.

It's a strange experience, but one that isn't really new to me. Often I'll read my own writing - either in preparing to do another edition of a book or even as I move from draft to draft - and find that I don't remember what I've written. And often I am surprised, in a good way, of the material.

I mentioned this to a colleague who is a librarian and he thought it was hysterical. I guess it is. And puzzling -- a good experience that leaves me scratching my head

2007-04-23T08:50:00.000-04:00

After some pretty intense work over what felt like an eternity, it's done. And on its way to my editor. I'm thrilled. But also really tired.

Thanks for the kind words, guys -- I feel relieved.

Yesterday was near perfect: woke on my own, read the paper in bed, walked around the city visiting open houses, came home and hung out on the balcony, read the paper and napped on the couch, brought my book to the roofdeck and napped after reading 3 pages, decided that I'm just going to stop reading this book right now as I'm just not into it (huge for me as I've always had to finish stuff), and munched in front of the tv. The only negative was that BB wasn't around to do this stuff with me.

And the other negative -- I did something to my leg/hip from all that walking. Which is strange because I've always done a lot of walking. Last night my hip throbbed - so much so I couldn't sleep on it. And this morning in addition to the hip I have hamstring/calf issue. Makes me feel old. And sore. My birthday is later this week - its not a good time for my body to fall apart.

Which brings us to this morning. Again woke on my own. Groggy. Would love to take this day just for me but there's some class stuff and freelance writing to do. I'm hoping that I can take care of most of it over the next 3 hours (wishful?). Then there's lots of household stuff and errands: laundry, hardware store, pet supply store, drycleaner, pharmacy, and so on. I'm not sure I'll be able to do anything that entails walking, which is nearly everything. Sigh.

It is beautiful outside though -- will definately find some time to sit outside.

I guess I just feel spent; finishing this manuscript has left me ready to stare at a wall. And so the next week or two I plan to take it easy and only deal with teaching stuff. Then it will be time to return to the textbook -- the largest, most challenging project I've ever taken on. Thinking of it saps what little energy I have, so I won't. I think a break is in order, gather my strength before moving on.

I Did It! I Did It!

2007-04-21T13:39:00.001-04:00

I wrote a book. A new book.

Print, baby, print!

Brilliant Morning

2007-04-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

It's always nice to have lots of windows and live on a relatively high floor (though really not high for NYC), but on bright mornings like this, it's amazing. I woke groggy, still am a little bit; think I could have taken less med-that-makes-me-sleepy-but-regulates-my-mood. It's always a balancing act -- sometimes take a little more and sometimes a little less. I've gotten good at shifting but sometimes still wake up a bit groggy or on the other side, bouncy. But I guess that's normal. This sunshine is making it all better.

So... the book trudges on. Or I trudge on. I shouldn't complain because it's the very final phase. Last night I printed out final drafts of the chapters and finished the table of contents. All that is left is the preface. I have some material to work from and my task for this morning is to complete the preface and acknowledgements.

Oh - and the dedication. Is it possible to write a dedication without being cheesy? That is, to write more than: To X? I think I have something cute and fitting to the theme of the book, but I'm just not sure if it's too goopy.

And on the polar front - the non-academic-girly-girl front - I woke up with really bad hair. Bangs are completely flat -- and because they're on the long side - I can't see. I think it's time.... and it can also mark finishing this book. And a spa day can mark it as well.....

So I've Got This Book, See, And....

2007-04-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

The damn thing will not finish itself!

Perhaps I should rephrase this as, "So, I'm writing this book, see...." and I'm just about bonkers that I can't seem to finish the damn thing.

First I thought it would be last Friday. But Chapter 13 refused to submit to my will and I spent all day wresting the bastard.

Then I thought, "I'll finish it over the weekend. All I have to do is a final edit of all chapters." And so I printed the 13 chapters and edited on hard copy (my preferred way of editing - particularly final edits). And I sat myself in front of the TV, with BB, and edited. But alas, there were a great many hockey games last weekend, so the editing got no further than hard copy.

Next I figured, "Monday is the day! It will be completed." And looking back, I'm not really sure what happened to Monday. I think I did some edits and then class stuff took over ("Oh yeah, my real job).

Manged to blow through a couple of chapters on Wednesday. But it's still not done! Somebody put it out of its misery -- or put me out of my own misery.

And so it's Friday - the day of reckoning. Just got back from head-shrinking by Noodle, and I guess I'm ready to go. Which is why I find myself blogging. What is it? Do I not want this happy episode of my life to end? All I know is that I plan on relaxing and not working this weekend if it kills me, so that means plowing through it now. Not to mention there's hockey tonight, so I should really start pounding the keys, right?

After all, there's not much to do. Simply enter edits on Ch 6-13; revise the ToC; check formatting throughout; post the references in their own file; write the preface, acknowledgements, and dedication - and I'm done. Walk in the park, right? Where's that coffee?

And I'm off to the races....

Sugary Good

2007-04-02T12:20:00.000-04:00

I'm lazy. Didn't have a change to bring any healthy food to the office. Lately I've been keeping cereal here. Ran downstairs to the coffee bar to scrounge for something to eat. Can't manage to bring myself across campus for real food. Grabbed Frosted Flakes. Which would be fine. But they're out of milk.

So I've got my frosted flakes soaking in chocolate milk. And I like it.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling....

2007-03-28T17:19:00.000-04:00

I'm so efficient I just want to pluck my eyes out. Clearly I'm a machine and yet I can't make any progress. Scratch that. I make progress. But there's just too much to be done.

Witness my agility in juggling stupid tasks:

Spent the first half of the commute to work editing Chapter 7 of the book with the impending deadline that refuses to be written.
The second half was spent grading 6 midterms from my seminar class. Some of these made me happy. Some made me sad.
At the office I wrote for 2 hours, nearly finishing the revision of Ch7
participated in my online class
graded the online stuff
answered stupid email
sent 4 memos to the President (part of my admin/service role)
created and uploaded a quiz for the online class
decided what to do in class tomorrow
printed the article for tomorrow's class
listened to my colleague rant and rant and rant and rant
chaired a huge meeting attended by every administrator in the university, where big university stuff like strategic plans and such were presented
and now I blog.
On the way home I'll finish the ch 7 stuff and maybe begin editing 8
on the way home I'll also read the article I'm teaching in tomorrow's seminar
and on the way to work tomorrow I'll prep that seminar and grade another 10 scary midterms.
and maybe when I get home tonight I'll work on the notes for 13

See why the eyes are about to be plucked?

I'm an Adolescent

2007-03-27T14:01:00.000-04:00

In class today we discussed an experiment in which the procedure entails a ball rolling until it hits a wall in the apparatus. Every time someone said, "balls hit the wall," I found myself stifling giggles. What's wrong with me?

Breathe

2007-03-26T12:26:00.000-04:00

So. I think I'm having a mini panic attack. Anxiety that, if I let it, will completely freak me out and immobilize me. And for no good reason. Well, I guess there's a reason. This may be one of those instances when I'm being to hard on myself.

Spring break just ended. I just had over a week off. You'd think I'd be ready to rock and roll. And I am - but only when it comes to being here/home and banging through the damn book. The deadline is approaching and I'm behind. Just a couple of days, but that really matters. Making this deadline means something to me - I've already extended it by over 2 months and I don't want to ask for another one. This is THE publisher in my field, so I don't want to screw around. Not to mention that this book targets an important demographic. So. It's established that I have a deadline that's important to me and I'm behind.

I try to get to it. And spend over an hour this morning working through the writing schedule, determine exactly how to get this done in time. It can be done. Just means that I need to be focused. And take a personal day at the very end. Doable.

But I just feel tense. And I haven't begun working on my teaching stuff. I don't really know why I feel so anxious - I've done this before, been doing it for ages. I think it's still a part of this getting-used-to-not-being-manic thing. I'm not sure whether I can pull all of this off.

I took yesterday totally off, and half of Saturday off. And while it was wonderful - I need/want it, I feel like I want more, and that sucks because I'm not getting it. And I feel like an ass for whining about it given that I'm only in the office 3 days a week and just had a week "off." Course that doesn't mean that I only work 3 days - and I spent the last week writing. But whatever.

And I'm so tense that I'm finding myself being a shrew - or at least reacting more than I'd like to stuff. Like the Freshdirect guy. Stupid stuff. But my tolerance for stuff is down. The other day I mentioned that I thought something was brewing bp-wise. Over the weekend I felt great and all seemed ok. I think it still is ok -- but this morning I've just felt so stressed. Started on the way back into the city this morning -- and has been going up and down as I consider stressors and tasks (up), and then tackle tasks (down). But this isn't good. And I think the only thing that will make me feel better is making progress. Which means that I shouldn't spend time writing incoherent stressed blog posts.... although this has made me feel a bit better

Spring Break Rolls Along

2007-03-22T08:58:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday of Spring Break week. The end is in sight, but there's still time. The Friday-panic hasn't yet hit and there's still optimism about what can be accomplished

My head is throbbing for no good reason. I've woken up exhausted and groggy the last few days and today even after 9 hours of sleep. And I wake up in a fog, like I'm still asleep, almost disoriented. I think something may be up, bipolar-wise. BB noticed it too. So it's time to adjust.

I'm getting much better at being aware and catching things before they spiral out of control. I successfully avoided an episode at the beginning of the semester. Well avoided the episode isn't accurate because it happened, but I reigned it in before it got out of hand and took over my life. It was a pretty huge breakthrough for me. I want to blog on that a little more. It gave me confidence in my ability to be aware; of course overconfidence can be dangerous, especially when coupled with the inability to monitor one's emotions. But I think I'm doing ok. It's sort of like being an alcoholic in that it's a constant presence, something that you're almost always aware of, something that you potentially always struggle with.

There's a lot more that I'd like to say, but I promised myself I'd start writing at 9. And it's now 9:08..... slacker! The writing is going well. I'm slightly behind where I'd like to be, but it's going well. Finished chapter 10; I'm about half-way through 11 and hope to finish it today as well as begin 12. Beginning 12 may be a bit ambitious, but we all need something to strive for, right?

Almost Like Old Times

2007-03-20T21:25:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how we all seem to have a basic work pattern -- times and situations in which we're alert and capable of producing mass quantities and times/situations when we're just off. And it's funny how work patterns don't really die.

Without the restraints of a schedule or outside influence of any sort, my day falls into a predictable pattern. I haven't had a day like today - where I have the freedom to fall into my own work pattern -- in what feels like ages. I didn't realize it until I stepped out of the shower a short while ago that this is my old work pattern - and it just fell back into place naturally, for good or bad.

I got up with BB this morning. Was really groggy, off, almost like I was still asleep. That was unusual -- lately I just pop out of bed, oddly enough. He leaves. I work. Take intermittent breaks. Employ the timer trick. Have a small snack every three hours (partly diversion, but more importantly keeps my stomach in check -- lately I've tended towards agita and it seems that small snack-meals help). Work some more. And make progress at a steady reliable pace. I make several passes through and complete a full draft of the chapter. Then hit the gym at about 7pm -- just like old times. Funny how our bodies just put us through the paces. Return and take notes for the next chapter. Stopped at about 9pm. Showered. Now blogging with a glass of wine and about to figure out the food situation.

Nothing unusual about my day. I simply was struck at how this pattern falls back into place whenever I have unstructured time. And I like it -- especially now that it's something unusual, not just my daily routine. I might gripe about stopping writing to figure out how BB and I will feed our faces or to make myself somewhat presentable to my other half but days like today remind me about what my life is like without that diversion and how easily I can let work consume me. I've spent a great deal of time over the last year setting boundaries and establishing a personal life. It's a little scary how easily those boundaries might crumble if I'm left to my own devices. I like and need those boundaries, want my emerging and hard-won personal life, though I wonder: If the work-life boundary crumbles so easily, is it really my own?

And now I catch up on Desperate Housewives... from December. Yikes.

Spring Break, Students, and Writing

2007-03-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

I'm on Spring Break but jello shots, naked volleyball, and speedos are no where in sight (thankfully! especially on the banana hammock). I need to write like I've never written before. How went my morning? OK. Not great. The usual Monday morning, though.

But I need to buckle in. To do so, I figured it would help to set up the "out of the office" agent-thingie on my office email to keep people from bugging me and at least let them know that I'm not replying until sometime next week. Damn thing won't work though. Tried on 3 different computers so it's not a browser-related thing. Looks like it isn't getting set from home. Bummer.

Especially since I just submitted midterm grades. I have one student in my senior seminar class who is really really irritating. NEEDS an A although she's a borderline B student. I am not kidding here: Within 12 minutes of my hitting "enter" on the midterm-grade submission page I get an email from her. Why do I have a C-??? I have only 80s, 90s, and 100s! Ummm yeah. One 100..... and a few 60s and 30s.... Funny how they forget those. And the weighting -- the assignments with low grades happened to be the more heavily weighted ones.... And so she wants me to explain this all. In email. Ordinarily not a huge deal. But I really have no desire to answer this -- just want to enjoy Spring Break without students. So I think I'll be the evil prof who waits until Monday next week to tell her. After all, I was in Daytona, right?

Yeah. I'm pretty insensitive right now. Wish I could get that email thingie to work so everyone'd just leave me alone. Wish my cat could write this book. Or BB (was BF, who was FG -- new acronym for a new phase -- and there won't be accompanying explanation of the Bs). Or you all -- how about you each contribute a phrase and I'll make my page count for today?

If a Snow/Iceflake Falls in the Woods...

2007-03-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

If a snow-day takes place on a non-teaching day, was it really a snow day?
Is it bad to begrudge that snow day?
I hate when snow days fall on days I'm not on campus.
Am I greedy? After all, my Spring Break has just begun.
Greedy? Yes, I think so. And I'm not ashamed.

The Long Goodbye?

2007-03-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

So. It's been a while. I carried on with life, without blogging -- though read quite a bit.

So much time passed that I figured this was over -- that thinking through things online was over. Even within the last two weeks or so I intended to write the "Long Goodbye" message and put this blog to a close.

After taking down my original blog, this new one felt boring, unlike me, too safe -- a bastardized version of the old one, which was, in turn too risky, too vocal, and too revealing of my emotions, mind, and life. I couldn't figure out how to make sense of it all and still be me. And so I figured that I'd say Goodbye instead. But I'm not so sure that I'm ready - otherwise I'd have done so long ago; I have no aversion to bandaid-pulling (unless they're real bandaids)

So - as I sit here coughing while my class watches a video, I decide to continue with this. I have no time, deadlines up the wazoo, and all other kinds of crap going on. But I think there's at least some room to blog. Not much. But some. And I think that's what I need. After all I have so many things to talk about - my recent plagiarizer, clueless guy, dealing with political fall out at work when colleagues don't get promoted/tenured.... fun stuff!

Must Be Nice to Have All That Free Time

2006-12-29T08:20:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year, Janurary break. My last day at the office was 12/20 and I handed my grades in by the 22nd. Sweet freedom until late January. Put an extended absence greeting on voicemail and email. It feels good to not respond to anyone.

So it's a couple of weeks of writing for me. Have a book deadline that I'm never going to make. It's due 2/1 and I'm working on Chapter 3. Yikes. Later today I have to map out my time and figure out when I can realistically complete this and then contact my editor. It's a new editor -- the editor who signed me left the company last month. Too bad as he was a nice guy. Not sure what the new editor will be like....

I still feel like I'm in recovery from the semester and from the extraordinarily crappy month BF and I have had. A little more than a week before Christmas he landed in the ER with a blood clot. A very long weekend in the hospital and he returned home safe and sound. But the experience was pretty exhausting - not just for him, but for me. Forgot what it's like to spend long hours at a hospital. Let's hope that I don't need to remember again. That plus a deep depression that grew over the course of the semester and culminated in a mixed episode in early December, followed by several med changes and a week-long wait for them to kick in and relieve a painful depression, has wiped out our coping resources. Given the circumstances, the past week has been pretty quiet -- we're both simply recovering and healing.

Quiet is nice. It soothes. Since I've got the next few weeks off, we packed up the cat and left the city for the house by the shore. Time to putter heals. I've got the house to myself this morning as he's run into the city to have bloodwork done; it's a daily thing for him until the drug reaches the right concentration in his blood. Not fun. But I have a morning to myself. Actually it isn't really that difficult to find time to yourself in the house -- if he's on the first floor and I'm on third, we both have alone time. Certainly much more so than when we're in the teeny-tiny sunny windowed apartment. But tiny!

But now I've got this deadline. And so today my plan is to get halfway through a draft of Chapter 3. I can do it, if I can stay focused. Wish me luck.

What to Do, Where to Go

2006-12-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in such a long time. I've mentioned before that I don't know what to do with this space. I guess I'll work on figuring it out. I considered starting a new blog, starting fresh. Although it was good to get rid of my old blog -- the chronicle of a painful and ugly time in my life -- I miss the sense of history. Given that I've promised to blog on less personal and sensitive topics, the tone of this blog ha changed radically. And I haven't been sure where to go with it. And so I've toyed with starting fresh. I saved a couple of blog names/domains to move to. Not sure if I will. I'm not sure that I want to leave this space or my readers. And so I weigh it out.

Riding the Wave

2006-12-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

Not sure what has changed, but I'm feeling better. Still have a ridiculous mound of work -- have gotten nothing done today with meetings and such, but I'm feeling like a load has been lifted. I feel tired from lack of sleep but surprisingly light. My lastmed change was Friday, so maybe that increase in that med that's supposed to make me happier is working. I don't care what it is - just want it to stay. I have to start working on being more aware of my thinking - not just my moods -- and figuring out how to change the destructive thoughts before they inflict damage. I hate how my perception is altered when I'm depressed -- how I find fault in everything. I don't want to do that. I want to learn how to change that.

Mountain

2006-12-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

There's a mountain on my desk. I keep shuffling through and shuffling through and still it grows. We all know that pile. I know it well. One of the tough aspects of our work is it's amorphous nature. I've talked about that before -- how it spills over into personal time through bringing physical work home, but it's the "head stuff" that eats at me. Committee meetings, arguments for various proposals, class ideas, research insights, lists of stuff, and more creep into my mind when I least expect it. I think I'm burnt because I feel like there's no way out -- nothing is ever done. I think what's really eating at me is the administrative position that I'm in -- it's service and takes a ridiculous amount of time, energy, and political savvy.

I've reached a low point in my functioning -- I can do it, but I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy much right now. I feel frustrated and trapped an all areas of my life. I've thought about going on the job market, albeit very very selectively. There aren't positions. Moreover those that pop up are at the assistant level. I'm up for full professor this fall. I feel the shackles tightening. In some respects I feel the same way in all aspects of my life.

This is dark time for me. If you've read my old blog -- the explicit, often ugly, too honest, and deleted blog, you'll know that these feelings aren't new to me -- and that I've been way way worse than I am now. But existing and functioning isn't enough for me anymore. At least it shouldn't be. Noodle, my therapist, reminds me that I should want more -- it never occured to me that what I was feeling wasn't normal. So I've continued to seek help. Changed my meds again Friday. Seems to help - I'm no longer thinking about ways of inflicting pain on myself. But I'm not happy. I'm quietly sad.

Moreover I'm afraid that these negative feelings are clouding how I feel about everything around me. I'm afraid that I'll magnify my dissatisfaction and direct it at undeserving targets. I hate being so depressing. I drag everyone around me down. I feel like I don't want to be around anyone - yet I feel like I have so much to say but it hurts to say it. Or I hurt those to whom I say it.

I don't know. I miss being able to blog as I wish; although I feel freed from my old blog and that old ugly history, I miss being able to express myself that openly. I miss some things about my old life - and I don't know how to make sense of my new life.

Not a very academic post, but I hurt. No other way to put it. I feel like nothing matters to me -- nothing gives happiness -- and all I do is bring those around me down. And so my crappy feelings are amplified. There was a time when I'd ignore this and dive into work to distract myself from the pain. I don't want to work. How do you recapture lost interest? How do you work your way out of burn out. Yes, I'm depressed and on all sorts of medication -- and yes it's been increased, but I still need to deal with the behavioral stuff -- how do I keep myself moving? How do I find meaning in my life and my work?

2006-12-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks all. Things look better today. That's one thing I've learned -- ride it out -- it will get better. It often feels like it won't. Fortunately at least cognitively I know it will. Doesn't make it any easier. Spoke with my dr and did a med change -- one of them tends to act fairly quickly, so I'm feeling worlds better than yesterday. Still not "good" -- and still not thinking straight, doing stupid things, but feel so much better.

I guess what's frustrating about this is that I'm really starting to realize that this is truly a chronic illness and that I will always have to be aware and that there will always be times when I struggle. BF has been telling me that for a while -- that although I want to be like everyone else, I'm not -- and I therefore need to take care of myself.

And I'm doing that today -- taking care of myself -- trying to get into the Christmas mood. We're decorating the house. BF just carried in the tree -- pretty amazing that he can do that given that it's huge. He's decorating outside. I was putting those little candle lights in the windows, then stopped to blog. I think I'll be ok. It's hard. But I think I can do it. Well, I know I can -- it's just that managing bp feels different when you're in a relationship. I got used to fighting this on my own -- and it sucked. What I'm still not used to is doing this with a partner. For the longest time I told BF that I can do this and to leave me alone. I now realize that if we're partners, then he has to be part of this too. How, I'm not yet sure. But it's a new way of addressing this -- and one that I think will be more effective than stuggling on my own. He's got a pretty good eye for this stuff and his judgment is on the mark. Now I just need to learn to trust it.

Ho Hum

2006-12-08T15:43:00.000-05:00

Here it is, a month later, and what's new. Same old. One more week of classes left. Semester was easy enough. Haven't blogged in ages.... don't really want to blog about work. Honestly? Don't really want to do anything. Period.

Yep. Depression is back. Went for so long feeling good, getting life done, starting a new life and beginning to dream and plan for a future again. And here I am. Again. I don't get it. Can't see the swings. I see the pattern, but only in hindsight -- and that's not all that helpful. I don't know how I got here and don't know how to stop this destructive path I'm on.

At least the form of destruction has changed. I'm not wrecking my career. Much. And I'm not drinking. No more late nights or random dates. I'm in a stable relationship -- well sort of stable. That's just it. I'm ruining everything that's good in my life. Including us. Part of me that wants to inflict tremendous pain on myself -- physical, I mean, so I wouldn't necessarily trust anything that I say now. That's what makes me crazy. I feel like nothing is real. Everything hurts - all I feel is pain -- and all I want to do is hurt myself. At the same time, part of me knows that if I just change how I think about this issue, I'll feel better and it won't bother me. But I'm not in that frame of mind. I really feel like there's a tug of war inside of me.

Yes, I spoke with my dr earlier this week, did a med change, and am waiting for him to call me now. But it all just sucks.

I'm so frustrated. I'm angry that this never ends. No matter how well I get - there will always been these crappy times. I hate that. Right now I hate everything. Don't want to see another person. Would rather lock myself up in my apartment and never leave. I don't know how to make this better. I hate not knowing something. I hate that every suggestion that anyone makes is crap. I hate that everything I see around me is crap. I want to be into the holidays. I want to be into the semester ending. I don't want to ruin it for those around me. But I am. Which makes me hate myself even more.

Cheery post, eh? Not even sure whether to post it. What's the point, really? To disperse misery over the internet? Make it be known that I'm unhappy? Vent? Honestly - I've been thinking about all sorts of awful things I could do to myself. I know I'm not going to -- but I can't help but think of the myraid ways I can inflict pain on myself. Is that just sick or what? Another reason to hate myself. I'm not well. Didn't think I'd be here again, but here I am. And it sucks.

Sometimes Procrastination Works

2006-11-16T07:34:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting on a student's recommendation letter for some time now. I know, bad prof! She came to me very early -- too early. So early that her file worked its way to the bottom of my inbox, where it has stayed. Slogging through stuff yesterday, trying to get a handle on it all, I came across her file. Decided that the letter would get written this week. Last night I get an email from her. Figured that it was a "where's my letter?" message. It wasn't. She's decided not to apply to graduate school this year and instead reconsider her options. Ordinarily I'd make time for us to talk and learn more, but she was all over the place to begin with, so... looks like I don't have to write a letter.

Sometimes procrastination can save you from unnecessary work. Great. Now I have a real excuse to procrastinate.

Recent Dream

2006-11-08T11:34:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of elections, I'll share a synposis of a recent dream:

Student writes a letter to the governor complaining about one of my tests.

I never remember my dreams, so I think this is significant.

My Latest, and Most Blatant, Plagiarizer

2006-11-04T11:34:00.000-05:00

[Don't know why, but Blogger deleted the original post and all your wonderful comments. I'm so sad!]
I often teach courses as hybrid online courses. This particular class is mostly online but we meet about 6 times over the semester.

A couple of weeks ago I was doing my usual grading and something a student wrote seemed off. I stick it into Google and, sure enough, it's lifted. I start to write an email explaining her zero then remember back.... this happened before -- in Unit 2. Then I had graded it as zero and posted the web page from which the text was lifted, with a warning that next time it means an F for the course. For s**ts and giggles, I decide to look up all of her work. Damn. Every week at least some of her work is lifted, sometimes an assignment is lifted from three different web sites. I change all of her grades to zere, with explanation for each within the "comments" box and email her to see me.

The email I receive in return?

When would you be available for a meeting? I would really like to know why my
grades have changed.

I reply with a set of times that I'm available. Her reply?

[The days I list] i will be working. If its necessary that i have to re do the assignments for whatever reason then i should probably tell you that i most likley am goin to be dropping the class before the end of the semester and leaving the university due to changing my major. But if there was something else that you wanted to speak to me about the assignments I would only be available on [teh two days that I'm not on campus and don't have office hours] . If there is a chance ud be available on either of those days please let me know.

Now, one of the days I listed is the day that our class meets, when it meets. So, she's sure to have that time free.... My reply:

Given that the class is scheduled to meet on X at X, and the test is scheduled for this X, [date], I trust that I will see you in my office in X on X prior to the test, say Xpm? I need to speak with you regardless of whether you remain in the class or university.

Can you believe the balls on this kid? I don't hear anything and expect her not to show up. Suprisingly, she does, snotty-face and all.

I wanted to know why my grades changed.

OK, let's take a look at your classwork.

I fuddle with the site and see that she's withdrawn from the class. Damn. There's no way to prevent that withdrawal (I checked).

Did you withdraw?

Yes.

Why do you think the grades changed?

I don't know. Well, I have an idea.

What?

Well, I was having trouble with my computer. I had a hard time understanding the text and your lectures, so I looked up material on websites, cut and paste it into a file. Then, I went through and converted it to my own words. Somehow my computer didn't save the file.

And that happened for the last 5 weeks?

Yes.Hmmm. I know a lot about computers and that's a really unusual problem.

It is.

So you didn't notice that what you handed in was entirely different from what you wrote?

No. It happened in my other classes too. I just noticed it the other day.

That's a really unusual problem -- one that really doesn't happen. I suggest that you have it fixed as I really doubt that anyone will believe that.

Mmmm. Well, given that this is not your first offense, and I warned you about this in Unit 2.

You did?

Yes, in the comments area of the grade, I posted the website. I also emailed you.

I must not have gotten it.

The email was sent within WebCT.

Really? It can do that?

So, given that this is not the first time, and I've already spoken to the Dean, I'm going to move forward with the plagiarism charge.

Oh. But I'm transferring to another university.

Did you know that this record can/will follow you?

No. Are you sure you have to?

Yes......

I hate lies. Even more than plagiarizers.

I'm Such a Wimp

2006-10-24T13:00:00.000-04:00

Just brought my space heater into class. It's not even November. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. But I hate being cold. At least I own my wimpiness....

Stop and Think

2006-10-19T19:32:00.000-04:00

We all go about our days, weeks, semesters, doing our thing, plugging along. We gripe about obligations, duties, stuff that's never getting done -- our lists.... We worry, obsess, and fret over where we're going: do we have enough pubs? Is our teaching good enough? What is "good enough?" How will our student evals turn out? Will we put together a good enough tenure/promotion/renewal/application package?

Stop. Now. Think. Where are you today? We think about where we want to be, but stop -- and think about now. Sure, we do that too -- but we generally only think about the present, where we are now, in relation to where we want to be. Instead, stop and think about where you once were. I just did that. And it's pretty cool.

I remember wanting a tenure track position, more than anything. I remember my fear throughout graduate school that I'd never find a t-t position -- or, perhaps even worse, get a sole offer -- from a geographically undesirable place. I remember taking that position, and thinking that tenure is a lifetime away. Here I am, a few years post-tenure.... I got here, where I wanted to be. It's human nature to keep looking forwad -- and for good reason, we need to think ahead, but we also need to stop and look at how far we've come.

So, tonight I'm thinking about how far I've come.

I used to dread public speaking. It's often said that most people fear public speaking more than death. I'm naturally shy. As in want-to-melt-into-the-wall-and-not-be-noticed shy. I've overcome those tendencies though I'm still shy at heart. At first, teaching was agony. Granted, I had jsut turned 24 when I began teaching -- and taught a lot of night classes with nontraditional students much older than me. But I got over it. Now public speaking is second nature. I used to get very nervous before giving conference presentations. Now, depending on the talk or conference, there's a spark of excitement, but not that penetrating anxiety.

Tomorrow I have to give that small speech. Small in terms of length, but a very visible speech. Huge engagement -- highly visible -- to all in my university as well as our sister institutions, media, etc. Have the talk complete -- did it fairly easily, which surprised me. And it's pretty good, if I say so myself. Had a critical colleague take a look and she found nothing to comment on. I feel good. A senior colleague asked if I was nervous. I stopped to think. No. I'm not. Not at all. Isn't that weird? It's an indicator of how far I've come.

Another indicator: I have to give a talk at a conference Saturday morning. I haven't begun my Powerpoints. Have a general idea of what I'm talking about as I've made notes on a few post-its. Nervous? No. It will get done. Likely later tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

It's important to stop and consider how far we've come. I did today and I'm psyched. What's more is that I stopped and evaluated my personal life as well -- and I also feel pretty good.

Monday, Monday

2006-10-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

Up early. Really early. As in 5am. We drove back to the city this morning and had to beat traffic. It's actually good to be up and alert at this time of the morning. Have my little schedule worked out and it should be a productive day. have the assistant coming in a bit - so that should keep me on track too.

Feels like it's been a long time since I've had a writing day. I guess it has -- last week Monday was a holiday home with BF and Friday was shot with running around and getting out of the city early. I think I was in the office the Monday before, so I really haven't had a day home to write in a couple of weeks. I need this day.

I've started working on chapter 4, the last chapter in this set of revisions. If all goes well, I should be half way through the revision later today. There's not a lot to do with this chapter -- well, scratch that -- not as much as compared with the other chapters. If I just had a few days to write, it'd get done pretty quickly. But this week is crazy, as have been all my weeks lately. Friday's shot with that huge event and afterwards I'm off to a conference for the weekend.

Which, by the way, I still have to figure out my talk for that conference.... though not stressing. Will put together some overheads later today. The problem is that I'm part of a panel and we haven't talked about who's doing what. A couple of emails have passed, but nothing tangible. So I figure that I'll put toegther overheads to talk about a few things and then see what the others talk about --or try to go first and talk about whatever I'd like. At any rate, the overheads won't be wasted as this is a pretty standard talk I give. In fact, I may have most of them saved somewhere. Just have to find them.

Yes, I'm rambling about what I have to do. Yet I've just made a Freudian slip in typing as I wrote "hate to do" -- pretty good, eh? That's how I've been feeling - sort of ambvalent. Getting stuff done. Not terribly enthused about it. But not stressing or truly hating it. An ok place to be.

I have been struggling with blogging lately. Not sure how to handle this space. Haven't wanted to think much about my work or be reflective about it. Yet this space is earmarked for talking about my professional life and the juggling. The nature of this blog has changed over the last 2 years. I used to blog about very personal stuff - integrated with professional issues. That blog is gone - deleted a while ago. Decided to not blog about the personal. To save it for somewhere else. The problem is that lately I feel that I don't have much else to blog. I'm not in a reflective mode when it comes to my work - I'm just doing it. Not the best place to be - but not awful either. But I can't blog about the stuff I'd really like - my personal life. So, I'm in a quandary.

But now, breakfast. I'm so deep.

Thursday is Friday

2006-10-12T19:30:00.000-04:00

I've long loved Thursdays... at least since I started a T-TH teaching schedule.... Thursday night holds such promise -- the end of my week, the beginning of a much awaited weekend, a chance to consider all that I wish to accomplish over the next few days. I often has plans for Thursdays. Tonight is no different. I left work early with plans to hit the gym, take care of stuff at home, take care of me.
However, on the train home I started thinking about all that needs to be done workwise and started brainstorming a talk I have to give next week. This is a BIG talk. An institutional event where all of the universities in my system will meet. Probably 1,000 or more guests. And I must say something worthwhile.

If it were an academic talk, I'd be all set. It's not. I have to speak in celebration of a new chapter in our history... (blah...blah...blah - can you see that I'm practicing?). I probably have about 1/2 or more of a working draft. But this thing is killing me. I think I have the hang of the "celebratory speech" -- and it's a mercifully short speech, but still..... every administrator from every department at my institution -- and all of our sister institutions -- will be there. And the media.

So, no pressure. I drafted some ideas and now have to type them up as in a few short hours I'll have no idea what I've written given my lousy handwriting..... I'm such a geek that I actually ran the dictation thing on my Palm Pilot on the walk home and talked through some ideas. Now it's time to craft something... I love that word, "craft" - when applied to writing. Or I could "wordsmith" something -- another interesting term... (is it obvious that I'm putting this off?). I've just poured a glass of wine in hopes that the more mellow me will find something inspiring to say......

And so is my Thursday. Gym? What gym? I'm so dedicated, no?

First Month Eval

2006-09-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

So, here we are at the end of September - about a month into the semester (little less as we started after Labor Day). I haven't blogged about this semester's classes yet. How's it going?

Suprisingly well. Calm. Easy. I'm doing things differently than I have over the last two years or so: I'm spending more time in the classroom. Sounds, odd, huh? How can a prof decrease class time? I needed to. The bipolar wasn't yet controlled/stabilized and I needed to restrict my hands-on time for fear that I'd wreck everything I'd achieved.

I couldn't handle class time -- went from feeling lethargic and blah, unable to move let alone lecture -- each breath hurt and each word too too much energy to get out -- to racing and manic -- ideas spilling out rapidly, ready to act on each one, going to fast with a flight of ideas that I was impossible to keep up with. So I protected myself, limited class time. I started using WebCT extensively in class -- so much so that my classes became half online/half traditional. Instead of 2 days in class, we'd spend one and then do extensive online work. I didn't consciously do this to protect myself -- my conscious thought was that I just couldn't take it -- couldn't stand to look at their little faces -- couldn't bear to take the time to explain myself more than once -- in retrospect, I was pretty awful. So I went online to keep myself from imploding in my own hate.

The online stuff worked well, with some students. I still like teaching online, but I can't do it well if I use it in all of my classes. So, this semester I changed my style again. For the first time in a couple of years I'm spending real time in the classroom.

I have some release time, so I only have 3 classes (I know, "only?!?!?"). Two of them are traditional -- we meet every class. I use WebCT to distribute information - enhance the class with additional lectures, copies of overheads, and discussion threads whereby students can earn extra credit (to help those who don't do well on the daily quizzes I give in class). So far it seems to work really well. Moreover, with the extra time in class (compared to the last two years) I have time to do more than lecture again. And I'm finally ready to have in-depth exchanges with students again. Once again I'm using cases, problems, testing out activities to use in my textbook, and engaging in real discussions with students that go off on tangents that add to the class.

Once again I'm able to model a mind-in-action, able to demonstrate out-loud thinking in response to challenging questions from students. Sometimes I don't know the answer -- I tell them, then I tell them what I'd hypothesize and demonstrate my line of thinking -- how I came to that hypothesis. Then I look it up and get back to them, often online. I finally feel that I have my head back. I felt that last semester too, but this is qualitatively different. I'm not just "in-recovery" -- it's not new. I'm stablized and while I'll never be "recovered" -- the bp can be controlled. And I can do more than function -- I can think -- I have the emotional and social wherewithall to have ping-pong discussions with students, to take challenges and leaps again, to be me again.

Doesn't mean that I don't experience mood shifts. This morning I woke up feeling like crap for no good reason. When I'm like this, little things, meaningless things, get amplified. I woke exhausted. All I wanted was more sleep. Found myself crying while I waited for the coffee to brew. While I love coffee, not having it the moment I wake certainly isn't reason to cry. Here I am, though, nearly two cups in, and I'm starting to feel better. It's beautiful out - a crisp fall day, bright and sunny. I woke not wanting to write - hating that I have to. Hating that I have these deadlines. Hating that I have to work. I'm starting to feel better. Actually, feeling better. Blogging helps -- that time to reflect helps -- time to let the coffee do its magic -- time to wake up - time to consider how far I've come.

So how have I done this first month? Pretty damn good.

2006-09-29T13:44:00.000-04:00

From MaggieMay:

You Are Expressionism

Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions.
At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much.
This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents!
You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

What Art Movement Are You?

2006-09-27T10:49:00.000-04:00

After spending the last couple of classes discussing the variety of theories in my field - essentially an overview of theoretical perspectives, a student came to me after class and asked:

So.... These are all just theories? People's opinions?

Theories aren't just beliefs, haphazard pokes in the dark or odd opinions passed on. They're a way of explaining or organizing a set of observations or data. Theories provide structure to our observations, permit us to categorize them and make meaning of them.

There are a variety of theories because there are a variety of ways of explaining a given phenomenon or set of data. If you look closely at the theories we discussed, they all cover different aspects of the phenomenon at hand, from different angles. In this way, many of the theories are compatible because together they offer a more complete explanation of the phenomenon.

So all these theories... nothing's right? They're all opinions and all the same?

Theories are not equal. They all offer explanations, but some theories are more supported by evidence than others. A good theory is falsifiable - it can be tested. Good theories lead to research that permits aspects of the theory to be tested empirically. A good theory stands up to rigorous testing. A good theory also is heuristic -- it stimulates research and theorizing.

I have problems with this field because there are no right answers. In other fields, there are clear right answers. One answer instead of a bunch of theories.

Not really. Knowledge is constantly in flux, constantly being revised and constructed -- in all fields. New research leads to new interpretations of "facts" and new "facts." Part of the problem is how primary and secondary schools teach science -- they focus on the "right answer" rather than providing a picture of the reality of science -- the debates, conflicting theories and lines of research, the ambiguity and fuzziness. There are very few "facts" in science -- the state of our knowledge is always changing.

For example, ten years ago when I started teaching, we believed that we were born with all of our neurons, brain cells, -- all that we'd ever have. A few years ago, however, we learned that we continue to create neurons throughout our lives, albeit at a much slower pace, but the point is that the "fact" that was in all the books and that I taught -- a seemingly cut and dried "fact" wasn't so -- research continually changes our knowledge base -- and out theories. Another example, Pluto. Nine planets was a fact; however, upon re-evaluation of the data, theories were revised, and a new conception of planets evolved. Illustrates the social construction of knowledge.

I don't think she bought it as she's awash in relativism. Perry as well as King and Kitchner have written about cognitive development in adulthood and the college classroom illustrates their ideas quite well. Many students enter college believing in absolute knowledge -- there is a *right* answer. As they progress, they become aware of the relative nature of knowledge -- all is ambiguous and they become overwhelmed by it: They recognize that there are many theories and opinions, but evaluate them the same -- all theories/opinions are equal. Everyone has an opinion and all opinions are equally valid. It's only later that they come to see that all theories are not created equal and that some theories/opinions have more support than others.....there's further progression in their schemes, but this is generally what I see in college....

Observing the progression can be amazing though I wonder what hand we have in it. Sure, exposure to different perspectives and models of reasoning makes a difference in college students' development, but if Perry and King & Kitchner are right and the development is more stagelike, then students aren't going to progress to the next stage until they're ready.... and I wonder again what is our role.....

Stream of Conscious In-Class Blogging

2006-09-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

Yep. I'm in class. Group work. Just did my usual comment about "if I hear non-case-oriented discussion, I'll assume that you're done... are you done?" And everyone's back to work.

Really steamy in here. I love teaching in rooms without AC. My hair is poufing as I type..... fortunately this is my only class in this non-AC building... Looks like it's going to downpour. And my umbrella is in my office.

Kind of freaked. Just learned that I have to give a big amin-related talk at a huge event (huge = every dean, vp, president, etc. will attend) that includes not just my university but all of our sister schools too (and their deans, vps, etc.). Not enthused. Haven't a clue what to talk about. If it were an academic talk or even a commencement speech, I'd be ok. But this? Yikes! And it's at an inconvenient time in an inconvenient place about an hour from campus and over two hours from home. Fun.

Ten minutes left.... sweaty yucky.... time to talk about the group stuff......

Academic Year Resolutions

2006-09-18T09:54:00.000-04:00

I'm a little late to this, but it's taken me time to think... and more time to finally sit down and blog.... We make New Year's resolutions each year -- but more of my life moves in step with the academic calendar. The regular beginnings and ends offer opportunities for reflection, fresh starts. How will I start fresh this year? What do I want to accomplish?

Maintain Control
My main goal for this year is to maintain control over my work - stay on top of things and remain ahead of schedule. I don't want to scramble. What do I do to accomplish this goal? Schedule everything. I have my weeks blocked out with time for teaching prep, administrative stuff, and writing -- all blocked out in my schedule. Setting aside regular times for these daily activities keeps me on top of things. I did it last semester and it seemed to help give me a sense of order and control, things I really need to maintain my health.

Take Time Off
Part of scheduling my work and maintaining control over my work and schedule is what will permit me to take time for myself. Most, not all, other jobs aren't like ours. My work follows me everywhere. I can't escape it. I consciously make time for me, but it's easy to let work accompany me everywhere. I bring work with me each weekend. I think about lectures or sections of writing during walks on the beach. I read articles as I sit on the patio, soaking up rays. I need time away. Time off. Time not to think about this stuff. Of course that's easier said than done as work can creep in when you least expect it. Yesterday I made a point to take time off -- to not check email, to not turn on the computer, to not write. Though I did read some articles for the chapter revision. Still, I did pretty good. Part of carefully scheduling my week is to help me take this time off without feeling guilty.

Make Time to Write
All my goals relate to time.... maintaining control is really a matter of time management and forcing myself to work at regular intervals. Taking time off, or the abiity to do so, is a direct outcome of good time management. Funny how I've lectured on time management.... yet often plan to do way more than I can. So..... third resolution is to make time to write -- to write regularly, rather than save it for long chunks of time. I need to get these books done. I want the time off. Have to put the time in to get both. Productive time.

Take Care of Me
Final resolution is to take care of myself. Scheduling is part of that.... making time for me, time off. But taking care of me entails more than that.... it means making time to work out, getting sleep, staying on top of my meds, writing in my journal, taking care of my physical and emotional health, making time to play with BF.

I think these are managable. They're the goals I've always had for myself. Each year I think I get a little closer to achieving them. I already feel that I'll come even closer this year.

Paddling

2006-09-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Keeping my head above water. Last week was my first full week of school. So far my classes have met 3 times. I have a good handle on it. Surprisingly, I'm not as exhausted as I usually am during the first few weeks of the semester. That, of course, doesn't mean that I'm not exhausted. It's a continuum.

Been crazy-busy. Too busy to blog though I've felt the need. I've wanted to write in my journal too, but haven't made the time -- and then forgot to bring it this weekend. So, here I am, back in the city on a Monday, the first real day I've had to work at home since beginning the semester - really about 2 weeks.

Classes are pretty much prepped. I'm almost 2 weeks ahead of my classes. Hope to be fully two weeks ahead by tomorrow and maintain that buffer throughout the semester.

Began my Monday morning routine -- the usual one... get home, coffee in hand, clean up after Powercat, who doesn't like being left alone over the weekend, so protests by barfing everywhere. I have a lot of straightening up to do but might as wel leave that for when I'm tired of working. Assistant is coming by and I'm planning to use today as a writing day, get into my semesterly routine.

The first couple of weeks of the semester are pretty tough. Between getting classes up and running, getting ahead, all the beginning of the semester meetings, students prowling the halls, and also my own life-related stuff, I haven't been able to really write for the last two weeks or so. I expected that. Planned for it. It's normal.

But now I'm ready to get back into a writing routine. I've laid out my weekly writing schedule. Have to take another look at it - see if it's realistic, tweak it. For example, though I'd like to do writing-related stuff, like reading, on my commute, I doubt I really will. I used to be so disciplined about that. In fact, I wrote large chunks of my first book during my commute. Of course, that was when I was manic, bouncing off the walls with energy and ideas to spare.

Now it's different. And I'm still trying to get used to the difference. Still can't plan a realistic amount of work for myself. Always tend to take on too much. Slowly I cut back, and am getting to a more realistic plan, but I'm still off. The plans I make could work -- if I work like I used to -- all the time, with intense motivation and energy. I can't do that anymore. In some ways, I'd like to -- I'd be able to churn out this work easily. In other, most, ways, I don't want to -- I can't work like that again. I want a life. I need time off. I need to change my view of what it means to produce. I have. But I'm not quite there.

BF freaks out over my list of stuff to do and my tight timeframes. I'm still trying to finish the revisions for ch 1-4 for sometime in Oct. If I work as I've planned, chapter 3 will get done between this week and next weekend. Ch 4 shouldn't be bad. He really freaks, though, because I have another book due in Feb. I haven't begun it. It's with a fancy-pants publisher that I can't afford to f-up with. Got a reminder letter the other day -- 6 months left until the ms is due. That's new. Usually editors don't send reminder letters. I've not encountered that yet. Have a feeling that this editor will hound me.... Am I worried? Not really. I know I'll get it done. Just have priorities, as I should. Getting out these revisions needs to come first.

BF still freaks - is nervous for me. It's cute, and I love that he's so supportive of me, but.... I can freak myself out, thank you. I do love his supportiveness, though. He actually has asked to read chapters of the textbook. Is that love, or what? That certainly hasn't happened before. My ex, PH, didn't care. Didn't even thumb through the finished products -- published books. Didn't check to see his name in the acknowledgements. Nothing. Huge difference. In so many other ways too.

Man Do I Suck

2006-09-05T17:54:00.000-04:00

EVERY semester I go through some variant of this. One would think that I, a seasoned professor -- having taught for a DECADE (isn't that frightening?!?), would get beyond this..... I can't log into WebCT. Anyone who's read this blog over the last 2 years will likely remember that this happens EVERY semester.... WTF?!?! What is wrong with me that I wait until now to check this seemingly simple but so-very-important issue?

The positive thing is that I started work on my classes a day early. Originally this work was slated for tomorrow, the day before class, but I decided to do it today and then spend tomorrow cleaning my office instead. Thank doG!

2006-09-05T15:39:00.000-04:00

OK, so scratch getting out..... the rain washed away my motivation. Instead it's laundry and figuring out classes.

I printed out the semester's calendar. Somehow it's easier for me to plan when I have a blank calendar in front of me. I want to stagger assignments so I don't go crazy and mapping my classes out on a blank calendar seems like a good idea.

As much as I complain about the semester starting, I love the fresh start that comes with it. Sure there are lots of obligations crowding in on me and not as much time to write, but somehow I feel that my time is more wisely spent during the semester than over breaks. Certainly there are some very productive weeks during break, but also some slow time and much needed time off. I'm starting to think that I need the structure that teaching provides. It's easier for me to dig in and work if I know I only have X amount of time to get soemthing done. Having all day or week is a recipe for procrastination. I'm trying to plan my time well so that I can write only for an hour or two on weekend mornings or even take days off.

Now that I have my blank calendar pages I guess I should start planning class stuff, huh? Maybe I should eat something first...... damn that choc chip muffin....

So....

2006-09-05T13:24:00.000-04:00

Today's my "get stuff done for the semester" day. My classes start on Thursday, but I plan on going in tomorrow to clean and make sense out of my office. Part of that whole turning-a-new-leaf-getting-ready-for-the-semester thing.

So much to do today. Started with high hopes and good intentions. What have I done? Zilch. Spent the entire morning on the phone dealing with banking mixups that will take at least another month to clear up. Fun.

Here it is, nearly 1:30 and I haven't done anything else. Well, I did pay bills and deal with some insurance stuff I've been procrastinating on. I think I need a list.....

First, I run out: mail some stuff, fax some stuff, return some stuff, minor retail therapy... then home:

admin crap (2 months worth of minutes, associated 7-10 memos)
plan for class1
plan for class2
plan for class3
syllabus1
syllabus2
syllabus3
prep online stuff1
prep online stuff2
consider online stuff3
clean out work email at least through 8/1 (yes, I have some really really old emails)
freelance stuff for this week
laundry
clean
academic resolutions (been thinking about these!)

Busy afternoon, no? Good thing BF's working late as looks like I will too.... I can do all of this, really, or at least make a nice dent, no?

Did You Know

2006-09-05T13:22:00.000-04:00

That a chocolate chip muffin from Dunkin Donuts has 630 calories? That was sooo not worth it. Sigh.

Percolating

2006-08-30T09:23:00.000-04:00

OK. Talk about getting pissy. I've been lagging in my blogging, finally get the urge, and Blogger's down. Monkey balls.

It's 9am.... have my list ready... know what needs to get done.... planned to start half an hour ago.... but I'm dragging. Could be the weather. I'm so sick of clouds, rain, and gloom. Thankfully the apartment doesn't feel dark given all the windows... my old apartment was a dungeon on sunny days and even crappier on days like these. Talk about sucking the energy out of you. So....I have light. And coffee. And a list.

I've planned it out and if I stick with it, I can finish the revisions of Chapter 3 over the weekend -- without working more than a few hours in total. Maybe that will help me get on track? Starting to feel better.... maybe another cup of coffee will do it.....

Mmmmm.... another cup.....

Maybe I'm dragging a little because I'm finally realizing that my summer is over. Tomorrow is my first day of meetings, the start of the semester. Fortunately I don't have to teach for another week, but tomorrow it begins.... Department meeting.... Univ-wide meeting.

Colleague is already emailing with complaints about the place..... warning me about an arbitrary policy decision that keeps flip-flopping back and forth.... I heard the final word (as of now)...but Colleague is a few steps behind me and in a tizzy about Arbitrary Decision A... trying to get me riled up.... Meanwhile I know that admin has already cycled through Arbitrary Decisions B and C.... and that C is ok by me.... but I don't even want to reply to Colleague's email as it seems that Colleague lives to cause trouble, finding stuff to bitch about, constructing conspiracy theories. I like Colleague very much but she has too much time on her hands. And C's office is right next to mine..... so the moment I come in, C enters and begins bitching. I really don't want to get sucked into this. C will certainly sulk, then start a fight during the dept meeting tomorrow... I'd lay money on it.

So I'm mentally steeling myself, vowing that I'm not getting into it, not letting anything irk me, and certainly NOT volunteering for anything during tomorrow's meetings. Though I have a feeling that I'll have to serve on the dept eval committee as we have 4 junior people (all get annual reviews) and I think 2 are up for tenure and maybe another for promotion; plus a senior person is up for promotion, I think.... so I just may have to sit on that committee. But nothing more.... really.

Somehow writing about this has helped me feel more in control. Think I'll figure out my weekly schedule.... figure out the office hour situation, mark times for writing, admin, and teaching stuff.... then get to work..... I can do this, right?

Over the last decade and a half, there's always been a goal: get into grad school, get a few conference presentations under my belt, get teaching experience, get publications, get a job, get good evals, get more publications, get nationally "known," get promoted, get tenure, get a book, get sane..... now what? Get a life? Think I've got some semblance of a life. Keep it? I think I need some goals..... Some bloggers, like New Kid, have blogged on goals for the new academic year. I think I need to do that..... will perk that for a while and make an accountability post....

Haiku You

2006-08-29T08:33:00.000-04:00

Is this fitting, or what? (via Medusa)

Haiku² for justtenured
and watched the last two years my goal has been to survive to get back
@

Created by Grahame

Breather

2006-08-28T08:11:00.000-04:00

I'm back after a breather.... needed to get some space from work. Decided to make the last two weeks about me. Put an extended absence message on the voicemail, set up an out of the office reply for email and took some time away. Granted I still checked email, sporadically, and replied to a few carefully selected messages, but for the most part ignored the office. Spent time writing... completed polished copies of chapters 1 and 2 and made headway on chapter 3. Should finish that this week. And I'm feeling better.

I'm still not enthused about the semester starting, but I can handle it. I've got a plan for managing it, scaling back a bit, and keeping it all together. Most of my crappy attitude as of late -- that burn out -- was bp-related. I've been working through an episode. Not as dramatic as the past, but still an episode. Dr Drugs modified the meds and I think it should work. Still too soon to tell though they're improving my sleep, which is half the battle.

BF has been pretty amazing through all of this, learning what he can, listening, probing, and pulling back and letting me find my way. He's encouraged me to get back into charting my days -- moods, behaviors, antecedents, and so on. I never really got into that. Always knew it would help in identifying patterns, but never was disciplined enough to keep up with it. We created a spreadsheet that may just capture it all -- and with the help of my friend, Google, it's accessible where ever I have internet access, which is pretty cool... and I'm more likely to keep up with it..... speaking of which, it's time to chart... and get to work....

Identity -- Where to Now?

2006-08-20T09:18:00.000-04:00

A little over 2 years ago I began this blog, partly (largely?) as I was dealing with some major identity issues. On August 15, 2004... almost exactly 2 years ago, I wrote:

Looking Forward and Back
Academia has a rhythm and flow that permits regular intervals for reflection and evaluation. I love the beginnings and ends that that this career provides. The feeling of hope and excitement at the beginning of a semester, the sense of closure at the end of the semester.

When I'm feeling cynical, I describe it as such: If you have a sucky class and are getting sick of the little faces in the room, just wait and they'll be replaced with a new set. But I'm not in such a mood today. Instead I feel a sense of hope and relief - a feeling that things are somehow different now that I'm tenured.

This fall is my first year as a tenured professor. Though I've always had a good standing in my department and didn't have much to worry about during the tenure process (b/c my manic productivity), I feel more at ease than ever. Ready to truly live a life of the mind without the self-consciousness I felt before. I've proven myself. When a member of the old guard from another department asks if I'm a new faculty (as I still sometimes find, there are always older faculty to meet as many hide away in dank offices), I can freak them out by explaining that this is my 7th year at regional state.

The peaks and lulls of the academic life permit time for reflection. At the end of each summer I look back and evaluate my accomplishments, as I do at several intervals each year. So where did this summer go? Towards getting well. This is the first summer that I haven't worked like a lunatic. My mental health was in such a state of disrepair last semester that I barely hung on and made it through. The summer was for getting well.

And yet I still did a little work. Completed the final revision on a book and sent it into production. Completed a couple of short articles that were long overdue. Less work than normal and than I anticipated, as always.

Instead I did more significant work - work on myself. I waited until the medications had begun to help before beginning therapy, in late April, and have spent the past few months learning about myself - becoming.

Most people associate identity development with adolescence, yet theorists argue it's a lifelong construct. We constantly form and reform our identities as we encounter new life events. Yet I feel that I went through the last few years without change - without evaluating who I am and where I'm going. I just chugged along at a frenetic pace, working and partying on the weekends with PowerHubby. Now that I'm in treatment and no longer running tazmanian devil-style, I'm catching up with me, reworking my sense of self, and finding that it doesn't fit with PH. I've made the decision to separate, at least on a trial basis. I think this is right for me - what I need.

Two years... technically not very long ago, but a lifetime away. It's easier to talk about what's changed - at least the obvious things. I moved out a week or so after writing that post. Long time readers likely remember the next year+ of turmoil, radical ups and downs, my attempt to balance it all out. And here I am, finally. Divorce is nearly complete (red tape!), in a new place, new relationship -- different and more special -- healthier -- than I've ever experienced, and I have a handle on this illness. Sure, I'm not cured, never will be, but I can manage.

What's the same? Identity issues. This is my 4th year as an associate prof, 3rd year tenured... 9th year at regional u. NINE years. Never thought I'd stay. Didn't go with the damn state pension as I was certain that I'd be gone in 2 years. Heh. This isn't where I thought I'd be, but that's ok. I interviewed during those first few years.. finally concluded that if I wasn't prepared to make a move out of my city, I'd likely only make a lateral job move -- no reduction in teaching load, likely more on-campus days required, and a pay cut. Found that my job was the easy way out. I've never taken the easy way -- decided it was time. That here, I could have a life. Took me way too long to go out and establish a life, but that's a left over from grad school -- and more so a feature of bp and the hypomania that drove me.

So here I am, 9 years in, and I'm wondering: Is this it? Similar to what I wondered upon getting tenure and starting this blog. Although then it was: What's next? I was looking for the next challenge -- I've always had to have a goal, something to aspire to, work towards. I'm left wondering: what's my goal now? The last two years my goal has been to survive -- to get my health and personal life in order without losing all I've established -- without screwing up my career. I'm there. Now what?

I could coast along. Lots of colleagues do. The most senior member of my department is a coaster. He's been there longer than I've been alive. Goes in 3 mornings a week -- 8-2 and is out, free. He argues, why retire? Granted, he doesn't do committee work -- any committee work aside from a few department things. But I look to him as a model of what I could have if I completely dissociated myself from it all. He's beyond cynical. In a lot of ways, so am I. Sometimes, a lot of time, I think I need to dissociate myself from the place.

There are things I love about my work -- and things I don't; moreover, things I loathe. I love autonomy. I love thinking, writing, the flexibility to work on projects of my choosing. Teaching. I'm not sure that I love it -- I enjoy it. Maybe I'd go back to loving it if I had fewer classes, fewer students. Teaching frustrates me because for a teaching institution, we don't seem to really value it. It's hard to teach well when you have 4 classes -- 200 students each semester. When you're drowning in committee work and departmental/university politics. When you're running from useless meeting to useless meeting -- and stopping by for class between useless meetings.

I feel like I don't have the energy and time to teach the way I like to - to do the things I believe a good instructor does. I don't have the time and energy to give the assignments that I think are helpful, necessary, for students to really learn the subject. I don't have the time and energy to give the kind of feedback that I'd like. I'm frustrated because I want a life. Somehow to turn this gig into a regular 40 hour a week job. I don't think it's possible. Sure, if I didn't write, I could do it. But how the hell am I going to write these damn books, fulfill these commitments, and not let it spill over into my life?

I feel like I'm drowning in the bullshit of academe -- the politics, the committees, the busy work, colleagues who can spend hours in meetings debating parking issues but are silent when it comes to real curriculum issues. I'm tired of administration. Tired of increasing micromanagement, the push for assessment without considering what we're really assessing -- our goals, what we're really trying to get from it. I'm sick of assessment as an end in itself (i.e., something we have to do to satisfy accreditors, not because it has inherent value, mind you). I'm tired of this push -- increasing requirements and work on our part without compensation in terms of load time or release from other responsibilities. I'm tired of administrators reproducing themselves like tribbles while we build new buildings with no faculty to staff them. We're a small school -- 6,000 students, tops. Yet we have at least 8 deans, likely more, -- and all have associate deans -- a new series of lines that quietly went into effect a year or two ago. Shhh! I'm tired of sitting in meetings that do nothing - when admin spend the time blaming the university's woes on faculty. I'm tired of listening to colleagues' conspiracy theories of how administrators are taking over and posing a threat to academic freedom. I'm tired of policies changing willy-nilly - no rhyme or reason -- no warning. I'm just tired.

I'm dreading the start of the semester. There. I admitted it. I'm sick of this. Not sick of the teaching, the students, my own work. Just sick of the bullshit. Last year I made a conscious effort to separate myself from as much of the bs that I could. Hard to do when you hold a highly visible service position, but I did pretty well. I need to do that this year.

I feel guilty for hating a large part of what I do -- that service third. I feel guilty for not teaching as I'd like because I'm overworked. I feel guilty complaining about my job when there are so many who are vainly searching for t-t jobs. I feel guilty for considering leaving it all in the next few years to write full time. Am I out of my mind to consider giving up tenure? A sure thing? I don't know.

Dr Crazy has recently begun blogging about -- and defending -- her decision to look for positions in more geographically desirable places. I know where she's coming from. I chose my job - directed my whole job search - by geography. I'm working through a decision -- do I really want to be here? To do this? I can't see myself doing anything else, career-wise. Certainly not a 9-5 gig, whether it's research or otherwise. Why can't I just go with it, dissociate from the bs, and carry on? I suspect I will, but I still can't help but dread the start of the semester.

Part (all) of this, I think, is rooted in my need to rethink my identity. For so many years I based my identity in my career: I'm a professor. But I'm more than that -- would like to be, at least. As I've carved out a personal life for myself, I see that there are many facets to my identity, more than professor. So how do I integrate it all? It's all the same issue -- the issue that drove me to begin this blog -- how do I have a life, close the door on work, and just be?

Empirical Evidence

2006-08-19T14:01:00.000-04:00

via Comebacknikki:

You've Changed 68% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal.
In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

2006-08-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

Feeling so much better, it's not funny. So relaxed, I'm just oozing. I've made a major comeback today -- got out of that bad swing. Conference call went well -- for some odd reason they worship me. Who knows why?

Then did some work... did a second pass of editing for ch2... found and printed all the articles to integrate into the next pass. Then pilates. Then cleaned. Then opened a bottle of wine and sat on the balcony and watched the last bits of the sunset. It was so nice and cool -- breeze -- sky was so pretty.... just what I needed. Then ran a bubble bath, lit candles, and soaked with my wine. Now I'm jelly. Still haven't had dinner, which is bad for 10:30ish, but I'm just going to have a few munchies -- cheese, olives, etc.

I feel so much better. And I know I'll finally sleep tonight -- have been exhausted all day. Ahhhh.... I so can do this

Quote Meme

2006-08-18T19:02:00.000-04:00

Everyone has done this. Now it's my turn.

Go here and look through random quotes until you find 5 that you think reflect who you are or what you believe.

This is me:

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
--Jimmy Buffett

You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
---Arlo Guthrie (1947 - )

A finished person is a boring person.
---Anna Quindlen (1953 - )

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
---Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
---Euripides (484 BC - 406 BC)

BP Aint Easy

2006-08-18T11:54:00.000-04:00

I've blogged about how I've been up - leaning towards hypo lately, on edge last weekend. So far this week has been good -- working, productive, stopping at night, finding myself immersed in stuff - but not just work, so it's good.

Sleep hasn't been coming well - a sign, definately. The last couple of weeks I've been taking seroquel to ensure that I sleep. This week it's not helping as much as usual. Took my usual dose and slept about 6 1/2 hours on average. Not good. Usually it knocks me on my ass for nearly 10. BF says I'm totally out too - not moving at all throughout the night - unusual for me. So, Wednesday eve I took 2. Sure to knock me out, right? Slep 7 1/2 hours. Not nearly enough. Yesterday I found myself outside of my usual routine. Internet was out, so I compensated by running a few errands. Did some work later. Happy about that. Seemed to be ok.

Last night took 2 again. Woke at 6:30am. Fell back asleep until my alarm at 7:30 -- for nearly 8 hours, more like 7 1/2. Had to see Noodle this morning, so dragged myself down there. And I mean dragged. I think I can finally sleep. On the way I noticed that I was more on edge. People on the street irritated me more than usual - they're slower, I'm faster. Everyone is in my way and spastic -- which usually means that I'm the spastic one. I'm aware. Saw Noodle - she sees this awareness and my action as a real success. And I agree. But I still feel ill. She knows -- reminds me that this is a time to remember that I'm working through the illness, not overcome by it. And I agree.

Was to hit the gym on the way home. Too tired. Went shoe shopping instead. Sure, shopping can be a bad sign, but this was controlled, thoughtful. Looked for a pair of shoes for work -- basic pointy toe slingback to go with pencil skirts. Found them. Hit Sephora on the way back. Left with exactly what I came for -- and nothing more. Again, a success.

But I'm on edge. Really on edge. The walk home was agony. Physical agony. Feel like everyone is too close - like I have all sorts of negative energy bound up and I'm going to flip on someone too easily. Everything irritates me. People too close, too slow, walking sideways with unpredictable stops and turns, blowing smoke from cigarettes... can't.stand.people. My skin isn't crawling... yet -- though it feels so at times. So I stopped for a teeny tiny cup of ice cream and went home. Instead of the gym, got shoes and ice cream.

Will definately hit the gym later. Only a serious sweat session and weights will do me. But now I'm staying home. Want to get some work done. Have a conference call later. Will hit the gym late afternoon/early evening. All I know is that I'm not fit for people, but I think I can use this energy for work.

Honestly, I think if I dive in I can accomplish a lot -- and work off this creepy crawling feeling without killing someone. I know that this won't last. How? I'm so so tired. I can't wait to go to bed. I know I'll sleep tonight -- and that I'll sleep in tomorrow. And all will be well again. But I need to push myself now. And keep to myself or I'll just chew off the head of anyone near me.

I can do this -- that's the real difference. It's not a question of if. I know that I can. I've dealt with worse. I guess what I feel good about is that I see now that I'm not just blowing smoke out of my ass when I talk about being able to manage this -- when I say that I know what to do when I'm moving towards or having an episode. I was a little afraid that I was just blowing smoke - trying to convince BF and whoever that I have a handle on this. I was a little afraid that maybe I was fooling myself. I see now that I wasn't bluffing, wasn't talking out of my ass. I do know what to do. I've kept this from spiraling. I know what to do. And more importantly, I'm doing it. And it's working.

I was diagnosed in February of 2004 -- 2 1/2 years ago. 2 years post-diagnosis I felt that I had a real grasp of my illness, knew how to manage it. But I questioned and doubted myself - I was uncertain that I'd really know what to do and be able to do it when an episode came on. 2 1/2 years in, I know that I can. Doesn't mean that it's easy. Or that I don't lose time or that I don't feel stuff. But I know how to not let it overtake my life. And that's major progress.

Googlicious

2006-08-16T11:50:00.000-04:00

Yet more love for google..... just found a use for Google Spreadsheet.... access to spreadsheet data online... import/export to Excel... make others able to view or edit... way too cool. I'm a geek, but a happy geek

2006-08-16T09:41:00.000-04:00

Haven't blogged in a while. Haven't had much to say lately. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. Have had some stuff swirling in the back of my mind for a while and have been waiting for time to blog it all out. Recent posts by Dr Crazy and MaggieMay (too tired to find links; if I get less lazy I'll look later) have made me think about my job and how I feel -- the post tenure thing, whether I'm happy here, and the guilt I feel for even questioning it. I hope to have some time to think and bog through some of this stuff over the next few days.

Been using this time to catch up on writing. Revising the first four chapters is taking a while, but I have a plan - lists - and it's coming. Yesterday I printed out a complete, polished chapter 1. I've been working on chapter 2. Should finish that later this week. So, it's coming.

Been working through some bp stuff too. Need to blog on that. Having some shifts, but seem to be doing well overall. The weekend was rocky, partly because BF's mom was in town - the challenge of living together is that I met her when she stayed with us for the weekend. Lots of togetherness upon just meeting. Too much?

That's it in a nutshell. I have lots more perking. Need to have coffee and breakfast -- and work first....

Slacker.. or Playing it Safe?

2006-08-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

So... I feel like a complete slacker. I was supposed to go to a conference this morning and have back to back meetings all tomorrow and Saturday. I've been on edge all week, feeling like I'm fighting off hypomania. Didn't take seroquel last night -- and didn't sleep. Well, slept maybe 4 1/2 hours... was up at 3am pretty much for good. Was a little concerned about having to be on the next few days - and trying to keep from being too on.

Then woke to see the air travel hub-ub going on. Still got myself ready - all packed, showered, and about to leave when it dawned on me that I don't need any added anxiety. That I'm anxious enough and worried about functioning already. Add travel stress to what's already going on likely wouldn't be good. So I went back and forth, got BF into the act, then called a colleague and arranged to carry out the most important meeting via conference call. And decided to stay home.

I think it was thte right move for my health. And productivity. I didn't sleep, but I've got all sorts of energy. Sure it's the edges of hypomania, but it's at the productive stage -- the stage that got me through gradschool... a t-t job at 26 and tenure at 31... and honestly, I miss it. Not enough to stay this way and go off to crazyville, but.... I'll enjoy the productivity while it lasts.

If all goes well I should finish all the revisions of chapter 1 and have a final polished version later today.

And - in case you're wondering - I know I'm still on the sane side of hypomania as I've stopped for lunch and to blog.. and am getting back to work. Stopping is the key -- and indicative of some semblance of sanity. More confirmations that this is a chronic disorder and will always be with me.... sigh

Catching Shifts

2006-08-09T14:59:00.000-04:00

I've often said that managing bp requires constant awareness - observing, balancing. Little things can set a shift adrift. The last two months have been pretty tumultuous yet I've stayed on course. Well, sort of. The triggers have been building, accumulating - there have been some signs that something was amiss...

Took the weekend off. Intended to jump into work on Monday. Instead I lost the day. Started trying something on my palm pilot - to connect to the internet with my phone and attach files to email -- and I became obsessed with the task. Spent all day on it. BF called several times, reminded me to eat. Didn't check email like normal. Instead became obsessed with a meaningless task. When I say obessesed, it didn't just piss me off that I couldn't do it -- it became the only thing I could focus on. Clearly indicative of hypomania. BF called towards the end of the day; I was to meet him at the camera shop. He offered to let me continue working. At that point I knew. I knew that I had lost the day - had no idea where it went. Knew that if I didn't stop, I'd be well underway. So I forced myself to stop. Met him out. Then we talked about it.

Came up with a plan of action to work my way out of this and keep it from progressing. Had an appointment set up with Noodle yesterday anyway, so we talked about it. She pointed out that the important thing is that I noticed it - and stopped it -- and only lost 1 day rather than a week or more. She's right. She felt that I was being particularly hard on myself.

So. Took my sleep stuff the past couple of nights and seem to be on track. Took this as an opportunity for BF to learn more. He's been pretty great about it. This morning I woke feeling pretty calm - he noted it as well. Working as usual.

It's funny how this takes constant adjustments. Just when you think you're "done" with it - it reemerges. I always refer to it as a chronic condition, but sometimes forget. This week I remembered. And I've learned that I can be aware of this stuff, that I can talk about it with BF, that he wants to know and wants to be there, that I have support, and that I can manage this.

Finally....

2006-08-02T12:47:00.000-04:00

making progress. Just finished a full edit of chapter 1, incorporating stuff from the reviewers, new literature, and comments from the developmental editor. Still have 2 sections to add to this chapter, but need to take notes first. Also some minor editing left (e.g., adding transitions and end of section pedagogy questions) but I finally feel like I'm making progress.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never finish this damn thing. But days like today, despite a raging deadline (revisions of ch1-4 by the end of this month!), I feel like it's manageable.

It's funny how what happens in my life has such a huge influence on my ability to focus, to work. As things settle down, I can concentrate again and feel like this is all manageable. It's the same deal with my moods too -- as life settles down so do my mood fluctuations, though there's certainly a reciprocal interaction there: when my moods flux so does life.... Sort of a chicken-n-egg thing there.

Speaking of chickens, they can be pretty scary. Sunday morning I went with BF to watch him train... and we came across a clump of chickens.. full grown nasty ones who can run fairly quickly, for chickens.... and they couldn't help themselves from going after me (guess they knew not to mess around with BF). Scary little critters chased me. Last night's chicken dinner was even more satisfying...

Geekdom

2006-08-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

Can I just tell you that I love Google? Yeah, yeah, yeah... corporate bs.. the man and all, but.... Google rocks my little world.

Gmail is awesome... I email all of my lit searches and pdfs to my gmail account as my office inbox is small and unreliable. I love filing it all away and locating it with a simple search..... geeky, I know

Google Calendar is high on my list too. Sync it with my Palm and I always know where I'm supposed to be -- even when I forget my Palm, which is more often than I'd like. Plus, gave BF access to it so he knows what's going on -- and we sync our calendars. Sickeningly cute, huh?

[oh - and BF doesn't stand for what you think... it's more interesting and fun than BoyFriend, but alas, is a private thing]

Don't need to say anything about Gmaps, but Gmaps-pedometer is the bomb. Now I look up wherever I'm going and calculate the distance and calories burned. Cool or what?

Google Notebook is something I've just started using, as in yesterday. At first I wasn't sure how I'd make use of it given that it's only online and not syncable with my Palm or anything. But then I realized that I really need a notebook/set of lists and info that I can access anywhere. So, for example, I created a notebook for the textbook, with sections on chapters, cases, and so on. You know those little notes you make to yourself as you're working -- on sticky notes, the backs of articles, any little scrap you can find, or alternatively, in a file that you swear you'll remember and check -- and never do? All of those go into Google Notebook under the appropriate section... and it's always there -- and accessible wherever I am. As I play with it, I see that it's going to make keeping track of stuff a lot easier.... all those links I find that I want to use for something -- and inevitably lose... Never again.

I've even used Google Translator. Came across a French blog that mentions me. Plugged the text into Google Translator and what do you know... it works!

All sorts of goodies put out by Google... and apparently Blogger is part of the family too....

Geeky post, I know, but it flows from my excitement at finally being productive again.... and finding neat little tools to aid me.....

By the way, EndNote is pretty awesome...amazed that I lived without it for so many years.... Assistant is inputting all my refs (1700 for the first 8 chapters!) into the demo version and Editor is sending a legit copy my way.... hurray! Thanks for the feedback on EndNote

What software/tools do you use? What improves your productivity?

This Morning.....

2006-07-31T09:40:00.000-04:00

Munched on Captain Crunch with BF
Ferried back to the city while BF slept and I read articles for the chapter
Made a list..... a scary list
Walked BF to work, walked home
Wanted to stop at Dunkin Donuts but apparently walked right by.... realized it 2 blocks later
Stopped at a coffee shop
Dealt with wailing PowerCat... very unhappy to be left alone all weekend
So unhappy that he spent the weekend crapping in the bathtub
Dealt with all the kitty's physical needs... petting, brushing, feeding, litter box changing
Called the lawyer... managed to get the receptionist to take a message rather than hanging up on me.... apparently she remembered me and claims she'll get back to me.... not holding my breath
Mom called...
Munched on muffin and coffee
Almost ready to work

Now....

Need ibuprophen
Finish coffee
Write

Worked on Saturday... took yesterday completely off. Even then, it was hard. BF reminded me to not work yesterday afternoon as I grabbed a stack of articles to read on the couch. Glad I took the day. Feel ready to start today.

I've been stressed about deadlines, but working Saturday helped me to see that this is more managable than I realize. I should be able to finish the revisions of chapter 1 sometime tomorrow. I think that's the most difficult chapter, so the others should come more easily. Now that everyting is settled around here I can dig in.

Yet - work is starting to creep in. Work -- as in university stuff. Stupid calls. Committee crap. Admin crap. But I'll compartmentalize and set aside small bits of time to get it out.

What's scary is that August is bascially mapped out - will likely fly by. It's pretty critical that I stick to a schedule and bang out what's needed. I'm not really worried, though. Somehow listing it out and thinking about it - as well as blogging it -- makes it less overwhelming... just a series of tasks.

2006-07-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling intense pressure to write - and I'm ready to do so, but life keeps getting in the way. I know what needs to be a done: a major overhaul of the first 4 chapters of my textbook in light of reviewer comments, the overall analysis of the reviews and competing books, and the developmental editor's line-by-line comments. I have a long list of stuff to take care of. I'm going through each chapter, section by section, adding references, editing stuff myself, then examining in light of feedback. It's just a matter of doing it.

Life gets in the way. I'm still recovering from my recent move, moving in with the BF (I think he needs a new pseudonym as FG = Finance Guy doesn't really do him justice...), and assorted life transitions that I've blogged in the pages of my old blog. The move is nearly complete. Well, I should say that the packing is nearly complete. The bookcase we ordered came yesterday and I was able to empty all but one small box of office supplies. Getting the boxes out of the way was critical to my ability to work. Working from home can be tough - if home is in disarray. I need a sense of order around me and it somehow orders my mind, permits me to be efficient. I shouldn't let my surroundings influence me so, but I think it's human nature.

So... I'm ready to write. And have been writing today. It's going well. But life gets in the way. I have to stop soon. Or take a break. I need to make time for the gym. And that's not just a fancy way of procrastinating. I need to take care of my health. I woke in a blah state of mind this morning and I need to keep it from spiraling. I need to be active. Fight any desire to pull the covers over my head. And so I force myself to hit the gym. I'd wait until later, but I'm short on time today. BF has a work-thing we have to go to later. Not a bad diversion, but I wish I could get more done. I'm mapping out the next few days and weeks to ensure that there's time to meet this deadline.

And so life gets in the way. My state of mind gets in the way. My need to engage in self care gets in the way. Though I guess that's not a helpful way of looking at it. Perhaps more appropriate is the notion that I'm doing what's needed to keep on working, long term, to be efficient and productive over time. Sometimes I beat myself up over the short-term stuff and forget the big picture.

Looking Back and Forward

2006-07-26T12:19:00.000-04:00

7-26-04
As I explained in a comment this morning, I began this blog as a hobby and procrastination/thinking tool. Part of my hope is that by blogging a little I might start my writing juices flowing less painfully than a game or two of Spider or random surfing. My fear is becoming overinvolved or overinvested, as I do with too many things. I suspect that if my name were on the blog, it wouldn't be fun because I'd carefully think about what I write rather than just writing, Peter Elbow-style; the blog wouldn't suit my purpose. I also don't want to get into professional pissing contests. Anonymity provides freedom.

Now this blog isn't totally anonymous - some people in my life know about it. I wonder if that knowledge influenced my writing. I know it did. I wasn't free. There were times when I used this blog to speak for myself - to get messages across - to do what I was too chicken to do myself.

At the same time, it was a place where I "just wrote" -- letting things flow out without thinking, judging, editing. A lot of it was stream of conscious -- no filter. A lot of it was random stuff that passed through my head. It didn't always accurately capture my feelings or state of mind. Yet it remained online as a testament to my thoughts -- many of which were fleeting or not stated. I started to feel trapped by what I'd written here -- usually in quick moments without thought -- often filled with whatever emotion I seethed with at the time -- too often anger or despair. I don't want to be portrayed or judged by these random moments.

I don't feel like I'm that person anymore -- the one filled with anger and despair -- hopelessness. I've found my way. Granted we never completely find our way as life is a journey -- we constantly circle back and regain our sense of self -- and search again, but I'm at a place where I'm engaging in a different kind of search. Finally.

Certainly I'm not a different person. I still feel. I have the same experiences. But the world looks entirely different today. And has for quite a while. It's been a long time coming to this place -- with many setbacks -- most of which are chronicled here. Or were. Yet I didn't chronicle the achievements. All that appeared in this blog were the setbacks, the heartache, the pain. Some good stuff appeared, yes, but this blog was lopsided. I wrote when I was in pain. And the result was pages and pages of stuff that wasn't always real -- or was real for a moment. Stuff that I don't want to remember. Stuff that's part of me, yes, but that isn't all of me. And so it's time to start anew.

A Fresh Start

2006-07-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

Lately I've felt the need for a fresh start. I've been blogging for 2 years now and my life has changed radically. I think it's time to move on and move away from the past. Sure the past is important - shapes who we are, but it's also the past. Not now. I've felt trapped by it - mired in it. So it's time to move on.

I've thought of starting a new blog in a new place. Or stopping all together. Neither feel right. Though I have to admit that stopping felt pretty close to right. But I'm not sure that I'm ready to stop. I still have things to say.

But I do want to get back to this blog's origins... why I initially began it.

On Friday July 24, 2004, just 2 days after beginning, I wrote:

Why Anonymous?
So I've been thinking about the discussions on anonymity and academic blogs. What are my reasons?
I want to be more candid than I can in my public blog. It's not about saying "fuck" - that's something my colleagues have heard me scream from my office. Instead, it's about working through and bitching about the myriad issues that emerge in academia: rancid departmental politics (even tenured, I wouldn't go public with that), considering my own teaching, running on the research treadmill, figuring out how to balance it all and have a life, and more.
I want to keep my personal life and thoughts private from my colleagues and especially my students. My students google me - they've said so and commented on what they've found. That might be something particular to female professors, I don't know. Some might say then why blog at all? Which brings me to
my next reason:
I want to know that I'm not alone in questioning it all. Here I am, after 9 years of higher education, and just tenured -- and is that all there is? I don't really mean it that way, but I'm wondering what's next. This is especially true as I'm rediscovering myself given my newly medicated state (in response to bipolar disorder).
If this blog were nonanonymous, I wouldn't discuss my mental health nor the fact that I'm very seriously considering leaving my husband. I have a nonanonymous blog - and I make professional and personal postings there. But I censor myself so that I present only what I feel comfortable with colleagues and students knowing. It's narcissistic to think that anyone cares - and no one might, but my experiences with my students lead me to believe that many would want to keep up with Dr Sexyprof's blog.
I've become somewhat interested in writing to learn. I'm not an advocate of writing across the curriculum or the notion that student writing should not be graded, but I am a fan of the notion that writing is thinking. Often I write to clarify my ideas. I don't want ideas in their primitive, formative state to be set in stone -- I want to work with them, mold them before I commit to them and formally share them with the world nonanonymously, if at all.
Being a young attractive female (actually not so young anymore - just look it, 32 but constantly mistaken for a student), I find that some of my pasttimes don't mesh with that of the traditional academic. Here I can admit that I'm silly. I permit a few glimpses at work, but not the real silliness that is within. I read chick-lit, watch some reality tv (some of that stuff is even below me), and like to do what people my age do. Maybe part of my problem is that I'm still one of the youngest faculty at the university - and within my department (and that's even after making several hires after me).

Today, my reasons aren't all that different. I've been tenured for over 2 years now and I'm feeling ambivalent about it all, yet guilty about my ambivalence. I want to explore these ideas as well as my take on academic life in general. I'm no longer 32 (duh), no longer married (well, given my divorce debacle -- I'm still married, but have been separated for 2 years), and I'm living with an amazing man who I plan to share my life with. That's largely why this blog has changed focus: my needs have changed. I still have bipolar disorder, and will always have it, but it's controlled -- and has been for quite a while.... finally. I don't know where I'm going with this redefined space, but it's something that I need.